


she was right, it was worth it

by villainness



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, best friend squad and adora's plus one, catra tries to be vulnerable, i may not be noelle but i gathered some of my favorite stream tidbits for this oneshot, trying to find meaning and healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:08:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24650014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villainness/pseuds/villainness
Summary: Catra was a strategist. A war strategist. What use was there for her, now that She-Ra had literally brought peace and new beginning to Etheria, possibly the whole galaxy? She found herself lost, drifting, between her disinterest in the limitless expanse of free time, and bouts of trauma and flashbacks.Perfuma’s words echoed in her mind. "It’s hard, keeping your heart open. It makes you vulnerable. But it doesn’t make you weak, and I have to believe it’s worth it."She knew it was one of the first steps to healing her heart, to create a stronger friendship, not just with Adora, but with Bow, Glimmer, and the other Princesses. She’d always yearned for connection, and now, she had the chance- if she chose to take it, to be open with them. If she could just tell them how she feels.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 192





	she was right, it was worth it

**Author's Note:**

> I started this oneshot last week, abandoned it, and started it again after everything from Noelle's stream last night. Her talk about Catra's arc of seeking forgiveness, and what they would all be like once there was no war to fight really just hit me and I wanted more for myself.  
> So, here it is. Hurt/comfort for all of you.

Catra wasn’t used to feeling so… useless. At least, not in the literal sense.

Shadow Weaver made her feel worthless in her eyes. Both Hordak and Horde Prime easily made the choice to get rid of her as soon as she didn’t fit into their plans. Even Adora, when she first left, before she understood that her choice to protect Etheria from the Horde was not a rejection of her own character, made her feel useless for a time. That was a feeling she had grown used to; the feeling of being worthless in someone else’s eyes, no matter how hard she tried. But this was a different kind of uselessness- more literal. Her self-esteem had suffered tragically through the years, but she had never felt so purposeless, as if she was simply drifting through Etheria with no substantial meaning.

In the past, her days always felt like they had a plan. There was a structure, a routine, an endgame goal for whatever side she fought on. Life would go on, with or without the need for her. Even if she woke up, her head full of self-loathing and destructive thoughts, she knew what she needed to do. What she _had_ to do.

In the Horde, it was easy to lose herself in the rigidly scheduled day to day. The alarms would go off at the same time every morning, waking everyone in a cacophony of groans and whines for more sleep. They would have a half hour to freshen up, and another half hour to acquire their ration bars for breakfast and figure out their schedules for the day. The other soldiers used the time to socialize, but Catra used the extra hour to sleep in. Then, they were sent off to their duties, training, or whatever else needed to be done in the Fright Zone that day. For Catra, as Force Captain, that usually meant going over battle reports, checking on her squadron, and ending her day pummeling a punching bag (or whoever got in the way, first). 

Things in Etheria were slow, for a little. It was as if the planet decided to take a collective breath, and agreed to take the first week or so to recuperate. The whole world was exhausted, and all anyone wanted to do was lay down, right where they were, and fall asleep in the overgrown grass She-Ra’s magic had covered the planet in. Plans for rebuilding started coming together, but a majority of the time, the universe surrounding her seemed to pass by like a gentle breeze, rather than the dizzying arms race she felt like she’d been a part of her whole life.

She was sure Adora felt the same way, on some level. She was always so dedicated in everything she did, and now, without a real purpose to serve, she too seemed a little uncertain. Neither of them knew quite what to do with all the free time they suddenly found themselves with. At first, it was a lot of lazing around Adora’s room, cuddling in her bed, watching the guards and the townspeople below. It was easy to ignore the bubbling feelings of uselessness in those moments, when all that mattered was that she was Adora’s, and Adora was hers. Until Glimmer came in one day, towards the end of the peaceful lull in Etheria, needing Adora to attend some important meeting with Bright Moon officials and the other Etherian princesses.

Catra followed, but quickly realized there wasn’t much she could contribute- she didn’t have any authority here, she didn't know enough about how Etheria operated outside of the Horde, and she didn’t know everyone else enough to join in on the friendly reunion banter. She stayed quiet, holding Adora’s hand under the table for comfort, till the meeting ended and they all trickled out slowly.

After that day, Bright Moon’s atmosphere seemed to take an invigorated turn.

It seemed like everyone else had something to go back to. Glimmer, Mermista, and Perfuma had kingdoms to tend to, to rebuild and rule over. Enptrapta was eager to lead reconstruction, and even had responsibilities developing more space tech for their eventual space quest to “bring magic back to the universe”. Bow had double duty, splitting his time between aiding Entrapta and spending time with his family as they rebuilt their own home and library, now that his role as a Rebellion soldier was over. Even Scorpia had newfound responsibilities as a Princess, having reclaimed the Black Garnet, and with that, her old kingdom- or what was formerly the Fright Zone. 

Though there was no battle to be fought, Adora was still She-Ra, and would be off helping the Etherians with rebuilding and other “dangers” that came up (or, what she believed were really random requests, taking Adora’s time away from her). Catra caught her slipping into her old patterns; it was as if Adora was constantly seeking ways to overwork herself, to give herself to the planet’s people despite everything she had already done. Some days, she stopped Adora before she volunteered, grabbing her wrist tightly before she could jump out of her chair and say “I’ve got it!”. It was her silent reminder to Adora that she needed to relax, and choose what _she_ wanted to do as well. To choose her, maybe. It worked, most of the time, and they’d spent plenty of the days in between lounging around the palace together. But Adora still had responsibilities, and Catra couldn’t always get her to stay when She-Ra was needed elsewhere on the planet.

But Catra was a strategist. A _war_ strategist. What use was there for her, now that She-Ra had literally brought peace and new beginning to Etheria, possibly the whole galaxy? Everyone else had homes and families to go home to, but for Catra, everything was brand new. She was happy, or happier, now that she was here with Adora, but still found herself feeling out of place. Especially when Adora was gone, or just busy, she had no idea what to do with herself. 

There were days, when Adora was gone, that Catra allowed herself to think. She would sit alone with her thoughts, flashbacks of Prime flitting through her mind- his chip, his clones chanting at her to be reborn just like them, to abandon what little sense of self she had left. Of Shadow Weaver, belittling her since she was a child cadet, till she was a Force Captain rising through the chain of command, to her final moments, pulling Adora away from her yet again, only to sacrifice herself for Shadow Weaver’s own sake of false forgiveness. Of herself, in the barracks, when Adora first left, when her blood boiled at the thought of her as She-Ra, when she lashed out on Scorpia, on Entrapta, on Kyle, Lonnie, and Rogelio. Melog would sense her spiraling, blaring red and flooded with emotions. They would topple her over onto the floor, snapping her out of her panicked state and forcing her to think of other things. She would climb out on the balcony to get her mind off things instead, perched on the railing, watching the bustling life of Bright Moon’s people below. 

They had purpose. Shopkeepers, tailors, mothers, wives. They all had a purpose. What was hers?

Catra supposed her purpose could be Adora’s girlfriend. She liked the idea, and in those early days in the Bright Moon palace, before duty swept her away, she was content with leaving it at that. But Perfuma had helped her acknowledge that she did have a tendency to be codependent. She invested so much of her younger self in Adora, that when she first lost her, she had lost herself, too, till all she was left with was the rage and hurt she felt. It was why it consumed her so easily. She had to figure out who she was, apart from Adora, else risk the same thing happening again.

Glimmer came in one day, insisting that the two get a life outside of their room and each other’s arms. Adora, after some initial hesitation, picked up cartography. It seemed therapeutic to Adora; Catra would watch her lose herself between the lines of the old maps, tracing them with her fingers before copying it onto a fresh sheet of parchment. She would label them with what she knew now- with the names of kingdoms full of generous and joyful communities, rather than with what she’d learned growing up, when she studied the maps of enemy territories long after everyone else had stopped for the night, committing them to her memory for exams and for her future.

Though Catra, growing up, was always better at drawing, Adora’s inability to draw straight lines actually seemed to be a strength as she began copying old Etherian maps for fun. She’d sit by the window, brow furrowed, as her eyes darted back from the dusty maps to her own as she mapped out Salineas’ curving coastlines or the Whispering Woods.

But Catra… she still didn’t know what to do with herself.

There wasn’t much of a schedule in Bright Moon- everyone went at their own pace, except for the guards. They marched in time, exchanged shifts at exactly the ring of the hourly bells. Catra found herself lost in the sea of immense free time. There was so much time, yet… nothing to do. At least, nothing for _her_ to do.

She tried to find something to pour herself into, like Glimmer suggested. When Adora first started drawing in her room, Catra would sit with her and talk, watching Adora’s hand gingerly hold her pencil and the concentrated look in her eyes. But she quickly realized Adora couldn’t focus on both at the same time, and tried to find something else to do in her room. She ended up going through Adora’s belongings. When she found her clothes, she decided to try them on, then cut them up and make them something new for herself to get her girlfriend’s attention. Adora, when she noticed, found it endearing, since apparently she’d ripped up her old clothes, now two sizes two small since she’d bulked up during the Rebellion. Unfortunately, Adora didn’t have a lot of clothes, so that interest died quickly.

When Adora was out, Bow offered to teach her archery, but Catra found herself wanting to snap the drawstring in half more than she wanted to shoot the arrows. The string was just a little too delicate, and every time her claw snapped it, she felt her aggravation grow. Was she really this destructive, that she couldn’t even hold something as simple as a bow and arrow?

Sometimes, she would sit in on Glimmer’s weekly diplomatic meetings. But those made her wish Bow would shoot _her_ with the arrows instead- she couldn’t be bothered with dull talk of trade and age old customs and traditions. She would slink out of the meetings halfway through, a stolen muffin in hand, and run back up to her room- to do, well, nothing. 

Today, all four of them were free. It wasn’t often that Adora, Glimmer, and Bow’s schedules aligned, but luckily today was one of those days. They were all in the castle’s dining hall, seated at the long table eating breakfast. Glimmer sat at the head, Bow at her right, Adora on her left, and Catra right beside her, their chairs side by side so their feet touched beneath the table. Catra laid her head against Adora’s shoulder as she ate, having finished her own breakfast a little while before her. She sat, quietly, listening to the three spill details from their busy weeks.

“Oh, you guys, you should have _seen_ Mermista’s face when it happened. We were going over the building plans for Salineas, and Sea Hawk wanted to know where his new room was going to be in the castle, and Entrapta said it was with Mermista’s because she thought they were already married! Mermista was _so_ red, she kept trying to hide, even Sea Hawk looked like he wanted to run away!” Glimmer laughed, throwing her head forward as she recited her tale.

“Oh man, I can’t believe I left early! Why did my dads need me to stay over for trivia instead?” Bow groaned, resting his temple against his fingers, but he laughed casually as well.

“Aww, I miss them so much,” Adora whined. She pouted, holding her head in both palms and leaning forward on the table, food forgotten. “Huntara asked me to help out in the Crimson Waste, there’s so many people who want to relocate back into the kingdoms, but a lot of them consider the Waste their true home now...” She paused, then added a beat later, off topic, “Maybe we should give that place a new name?”

The three chattered back and forth for a little while, till Bow looked over at Catra. She was still laying against Adora, but she had brought her feet up on the chair, hugging her knees to her chest.

“What have you been up to, Catra?” He asked. He meant well, but Catra stiffened. Her tail swung down behind the chair nervously.

“Oh, uhm… you know, exploring the castle with Melog and all. You guys should really make a map or something, it’s kind of confusing,” she breathed out a laugh, her forced humor an obvious maneuver to cover up how uncomfortable she was. She felt Adora’s hand on her back, trying to rub the tension out of her spine.

“You know, Catra…” Glimmer began, sensing her unease. “You could come with me to Salineas. They need all the help they can get out there, even if it’s not your area of expertise.”

“No thanks,” she added quickly, her tail stiffening. She wasn’t quite ready to see the damage she and the Horde’s army left on the sea kingdom. The plumes of smoke covering the decimated kingdom brought a smile to her face, back then, but now it taunted her. Even if she was on their side now, and Mermista had reluctantly warmed up to her, she wasn’t so sure the kingdom’s citizens would be too fond of seeing her on their land.

“Or with me, to the Crimson Waste. I know you’re always looking for an excuse to spend more time with me,” Adora chuckled a little bit cockily and nudged her side, earning an eyeroll from Catra. Adora only smiled back cheerily, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“I don’t know, I’ll think about it.” She didn’t continue, looking down at her feet curled up on the seat. Without realizing it, her toes had clenched together, her claws leaving small scratches on the wooden dining chair. 

More time with Adora was all she wanted right now, but she couldn’t imagine what she could possibly offer to the Crimson Waste. Sure, she had quickly gained power there on her last mission to the desert, but she didn’t feel ready to see them, either. It only reminded her of her old self, the one fueled by anger and a broken heart, who was power hungry and desperate to do anything to crawl to the top of Horde’s line of command and hurt Adora.

She looked up, finally, catching the three best friends giving each other looks. Adora, though patting her back comfortingly, was mouthing something silently while the Bow and Glimmer watched in confusion, trying to make out what she was saying.

“Just spit it out, Adora.” Catra grumbled bitterly and frowned, not liking the way they were talking about her behind her back. Not even behind her back, she was literally right beside them.

Adora reddened and dropped her hand from her back, embarrassed to be caught in the act. “Sorry, Catra. We’re just worried about you. We want to help, we really do, but… We don’t know what you want.”

“You can start by holding off the pity,” she snapped back, a sharp edge she didn’t mean to use in her voice. Seeing Glimmer and Bow’s wide eyes, her ears flattened, ashamed. 

“Sorry,” she mumbled, looking away. Her arms tightened around her knees, sliding towards her arms to hug herself.

“It’s alright, Catra. We forgive you.” Bow said from across the table with a smile. Catra looked up and met his eyes. She still wasn’t used to the sincerity in their looks, in how honest they were with their expressions. Time after time, she had to remind herself that they meant it- they weren’t twisting their words around or using double meanings like Shadow Weaver had. They simply felt their love and genuine appreciation, and expressed it, truthfully.

“Do you want us to go?” Glimmer asked, starting to push back her chair to stand. “If you just want to be with Adora, we get it.”

“You… you can stay, actually.” She looked away again, to her right. She watched her tail swing back and forth in a gentle motion. The scrape of Glimmer’s chair on the floor stopped as she and Bow stayed in their respective seats.

She didn’t know why she let them. It felt unreal to her- just a couple months ago, when they were on Darla, she pushed all of them away- Adora, especially. She recalled when Adora offered to leave her on a different planet, just like she wanted- or _thought_ she wanted. And now, here she was. In Bright Moon, anxiety pulsing through her bloodstream. And now, she chose to let them stay.

Catra had come a long way in that couple of months. Most of it, she credited to Scorpia and Perfuma. Though she hadn’t been able to spend much time with the other couple, as both were busy back in the former Fright Zone, cleaning, rebuilding, and regrowing the former lushness of the Scorpion Kingdom’s lands. Seeing how easily they opened up to each other, and how freely they expressed their love for others and each other inspired her.

And Entrapta. Somehow, she had gotten everyone’s forgiveness. Catra was on her own way to get that too, and though she didn’t believe it, Adora kept telling her she was already forgiven.

Adora wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her against her shoulder once more. She nestled her head between the crook of Catra’s neck and shoulders, close to her ears.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Her voice was soft, and she felt her breath, still smelling like her breakfast, tickling her neck.

Perfuma’s words echoed in her mind. _It’s hard, keeping your heart open. It makes you vulnerable. But it doesn’t make you weak, and I have to believe it’s worth it._

She knew it was one of the first steps to healing her heart, to create a stronger friendship, not just with Adora, but with Bow, Glimmer, and the other Princesses. She’d always yearned for connection, and now, she had the chance- if she chose to take it, to be open with them. To tell them how she felt.

“Yeah. Okay,” she sighed heavily, adjusting her posture in the chair. Still uncomfortable, but trying warily to be better, she straightened her back. She kept her eyes on Adora, hoping seeing her face would keep the confidence in her.

“I feel like… I’m drifting. I don’t know what to do with myself, here. In Bright Moon.”

Adora had heard bits and pieces of this rant before, on the late nights they stayed up, reconciling over their past mistakes at each other, and figuring out where they were now. Still, this was the first time she was unloading it aloud in full. Her blue-gray eyes met hers, a soft, inquisitive look in them. 

“I’m used to working for something. For some greater goal, even if I don't care for it. It was just what I was supposed to do, you know? Capture She-Ra, defeat the Rebellion, whatever I thought I _had_ to do to put myself on top. But now there’s nothing left to work _for_ , if that makes sense. Whatever skillset I have is pretty useless right here, right now, all I’ve done is destroy…” she faltered, assuming they’d get the idea. She destroyed Etheria, not rebuilt it.

“But,” she continued on to her next thought. “I guess I’m kind of jealous, too. Everyone else has a reason they’re here. Some sort of purpose. Adora’s got She-Ra duties, Bow’s basically an architect, Glimmer… you’re the damn queen,” she added with a lighthearted laugh. “But me? I’m useless. I’m just sitting here, waiting and watching. I can’t contribute anything worthwhile to Etheria. I never have.”

“And I can’t even… find interest in anything. I know you guys keep pushing me to try all these different hobbies,” she put the last word in air quotes; the concept of doing random activities for _fun_ was still sort of surreal to her. “I’m just… so consumed by everything else. I can’t move on. Not yet.” Her eyes darted away from Adora this time. 

“I need time.”

She felt Adora’s hand slide up her face, cupping her cheek.

“That’s okay, Catra. No one expects you to get better right away. None of us are all the way okay, honestly.” She laughed breathily as well. Adora wasn’t the greatest at expressing her emotions, either. 

“Adora’s right. And it’s alright to need time to adjust. Adora took _forever_. She couldn’t sleep alone, we had to have sleepovers all the time. And she’d wake up at seven, on the dot, everyday- even if we didn’t have plans.”

Glimmer laughed, her head in one of her palms, thinking back on it. “It was so annoying. I kept telling her to go back to sleep, but she couldn’t… and I couldn’t really sleep with her staring at us.”

Adora bit her lip, maybe holding back a laugh towards her former self. But, she smiled at the thought. “Yeah, if you told me back then that I’d be sleeping in with my girlfriend, just to roll out of bed and draw maps… I wouldn’t believe you,” 

“And we’ve all been through a lot,” Glimmer added, more seriously now. The look in her eyes no longer looked like the pity. “Before, and after.”

Somehow, Catra knew what she was thinking about- not after the war, but after their time on Horde Prime’s ship. She knew they’d both developed great fears over it. Sometimes, over dessert, she noticed that Glimmer looked sick, as if remembering the gelatinous remnant of a destroyed world Prime had fed her. She knew Glimmer couldn’t be completely healed from her time as his prisoner, either, even if she hadn’t gotten chipped like Catra had.

“And, useless? Are you serious?” Bow spoke now, his head tilted in disbelief. “Catra, you are one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. You might not understand tech, but you know your stuff. The Rebellion really wasn’t fighting that hard till you came along. And these two,” he gave both Glimmer and Adora pointed looks, “would’ve impulsively gotten themselves killed if it wasn’t for your plans _saving_ us in the end.” 

Part of his statement hurt, as she recalled how much terror she’d allowed to happen, how much she’d _led-_ but she knew Bow was well-intentioned. He meant it, and truly appreciated that she’d used her mind for good in the end. 

“Thanks, guys,” she said. She looked up now, at all three of them smiling at her. The bitterness in her stomach faded, replaced with a warm, content feeling.

Adora grinned at her. She could only imagine how insufferable she would be when they returned to her room, Adora going on in a sing-song voice about how she’d made friends with her friends in the end, despite her initial annoyance and reluctance towards them.

“Take your time, Catra. We won’t pressure you. But let us know if you want to do something, okay? I know you’ll find something meaningful to you eventually. And if you ever need suggestions, well, Bow seems to know _all_ the townspeople… I’m sure they’d give you some ideas.”

Catra nodded. She wasn’t sure what she wanted yet. For now, this was enough- she had Adora, and she was on her way to trusting those around her. Bow and Glimmer were… her _friends,_ now, she supposed, as strange as the words felt in her mouth. 

Maybe one day, when she’d made peace with her past, with her mistakes, her regrets, her younger, angrier self, she’d find a way to create a new meaning for her life. A life with Adora. Maybe, they’d start a family- the cheesy thought made the warm feeling in her gut rise- but she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Adora. And from what Adora told her, about her little dream she had, on the verge of death at the Heart, Adora wanted to spend her life with Catra, too. She could see herself, later down the line, when they were both ready and more mature, creating something good out of their love. Not mending it, or fixing what was broken around them- but creating a force of good from it. 

Bow and Glimmer had gotten up as her thoughts trailed off, needing to attend to their own business before they all got together to spend the rest of their day off with each other. Adora was still holding her, her eyes closed, her expression gentle. She breathed in, slowly, taking in all of Catra’s scent.

“Hey, Adora. I’m okay. I promise.” She let go of her knees, allowing them to slide into the seat properly. She wiggled her arm behind Adora, hugging her against her side as well.

“Maybe I will go to the Crimson Waste with you,” she turned her head so their eyes met. “I think I owe them all an apology, too. And you said Lonnie was there? And Kyle and Rogelio?”

Adora nods, a dopey grin on her face. Though she’d earlier joked that Catra was the one always looking for an excuse to be with her, she knew Adora was looking for just as much time with her, too. 

“Yeah, you can finally apologize for scratching her when you were like, six.”

Catra rolled her eyes. But she would, among other things. She knew her childhood squadron had taken quite a beating from her too.

“I love you.” The words fell from her lips so easily now. It was odd, thinking about how many times she had to hold it back in the past. And now, she said it without a second thought. It was easy, it was the truth, one of the few truths she knew.

“I love you, too, Catra.”

Perfuma was right. It was worth it, to be vulnerable, just to hear Adora say those three words back. Terrifying, absolutely. But so, so worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> feedback appreciated, love you all! I always hope my characterizations are on point but honestly I worry my own interpretations/projections on the characters muddy it so... lemme know. ty again!


End file.
